Know where you stand in 2017: A guide

It’s tough to know where one stands in 2017.  There are so many rules and regulations. And not at all consistent. The election has turned everyone against each other: Black against white. Rich against poor. Christians against Muslims, men against women, (did you just talk about gender in polarities?!). Politicians against voters.  You can face jail time just for laughing at Jeff Sessions , or trying to clarify if domestic violence is a pre-existing condition under Trump Care . But shoot a black person, and you’re home free.

It is hard to even know what the rules governing society even are anymore. It seems as though they differ from person, to person, according to class, race, culture and status.

Fear not. Hello Humans has put together a handy rule-book for human existence in 2017.

If you are reading this while sitting on the right, don’t worry. Everyone participating accepts your rules are different. Tax is not compulsory, and your right to free speech increases with your bank balance. And of course the world will look to you to set the boundaries of common human decency. Where would we be in the world if the West’s role in foreign conflicts was up for debate? Sweet fucking nowhere, is where we’d be. Do you want to end up like Saudi Arabia? (You mean a country which has been funding every foreign conflict since the first Gulf War without much protest from the international community? Who keeps their women at home in the kitchen where they belong, whose population accepts that a progressive taxation and education system is a tried and failed model and whose media would be non-existent were it not for the benevolence of government spending. Actually, now we think of it, that doesn’t sound so bad…).

And what would happen if gays and women and brown people had the same rights as the rest of us? It would be anarchy. We thought about giving Shillary Clinton the same rights as Bill and look what happened?! Who would be left to give speeches to Goldman & Sachs if we fill board-rooms full of binder women? This political correctness has gone too far. Do you think Obama would have made $400k if Shillary had been elected President? I don’t think so. Feminism is killing the patriarchy. We do need to keep some jobs for the boys, you know. It’s a man’s job to put food on the table, but we can’t because we are being overrun with women and immigrants and gay people. We need to start planning now for what will happen when the matriarchy takes over. Save our boardrooms from cultural colonisation and diversity.

Everyone knows hiding tax from the government is the only way to be successful. We accept the government can close our borders and spend on defence, we can privatise our education system and offshore our jobs, and what ones still exist domestically, we’ll just get an exception to the minimum wage and fly in a bunch of foreign workers. But expect it to take care of employment, that is just a step too far. This is the free market, after all. Concerned about the tax base? That’s ok, we’ll just get the middle and working class to pay for it. Providing well paying jobs that puts food on the table for the domestic population is socialism. If anyone questions you on any of this, just quote the bible.

If you’re on the right, your greatest priority should be organising to preserve your God-given right to say whatever the hell it is you please about black people and women and the gays, whether it is in the board room or the pub. Political correctness and good taste be damned. Free speech should be your greatest priority. Unless that free speech involves a critical discussion of the military or equal rights for other people. But thats what amendments are for. This is important.  Political correctness is keeping the rust belt in poverty and this must be rectified.

For those of you on the left, well, the rules are a little more complicated: When you get out of bed in the morning, be sure to first check your privilege. Then log onto Twitter and check for any dog whistles and be sure to scold the authors for their insouciance. Last night Twitter user @booklover1773 used the publishing industry standard terms “novelette” and “novella” in relation to a book. And though these words on their own  denote story length, I knew it constituted sexism due to their derivation from gendered languages that oppress women when being borrowed into English, so naturally, they had to be punished.

Make sure to read a vast array of books and literature, but only non-fiction, because as we all know, fiction writing constitutes cultural appropriation. And we can’t have that. Sure the tax base of the middle and working class pay for the lifestyle of the rich and famous, but inequality is, like, so in vogue right now. And even if there were politicians we could look to who could address this problem, really there’s only Bernie, and like, he stole the election from Hillary so…

And like, free speech is important but not more important than the feelings of our children and students who need safe spaces to protect them from dangerous ideas.  Don’t forget to be vigilant on Halloween and other costume related holidays, keep your eyes peeled for celebrities appropriating other people’s culture: I’m looking at you, Hillary Duff. And you, Amy Schumer. Is there an app we can build to rate the authenticity of celebrity feminism? Manually shaming people on Twitter is becoming really time consuming.

Oh by the way, most video games and movies are out. Mario is a racist depiction of an Italian, don’t you know? And Mickey Mouse: A cartoon minstrel. Even Zombies evolved from the horrific fates of french slaves so… The Walking Dead is out also. Here are some politically acceptable forms of entertainment for your leisure: 12 Years A Slave, The Help, Glory & Django Unchained: all acceptable films. (Though on that last one, be careful to acknowledge the sardonic aspects of the film. Sure Tarantino steals a lot from The Japanese but he’s being ironic in his appropriation, and that is worth acknowledging). The Hand Maiden’s Tail is also an excellent book, and now it has been turned into a Hulu mini-series, the internet has taken the hard work out of it for you. We used to recommend To Kill A Mockingbird, that was until the sequel was published and we discovered Atticus was actually a racist the whole time, so we removed it from our reading list. Anything produced by NPR is fine, whether in podcast, video or written form. The Unbearable Lightness Of Being is absolutely compulsory reading for all progressives. Because how else does one become a well-rounded progressive with a proper understanding of how post-modernism is destroying western civilisation if not through Kundera?

And anyway, everything that exists has already been written, filmed or recorded. Why not give up on TV, film, books and literature altogether in favour of launching your own writing collective on alternate, politically correct history of all non-white races, colours and creeds. (You can setup a social-media police-force as a side project). Sure, the editors are all some version of alabaster, but make sure to commission ethnic writers, or people you consider to be generally more deserving than yourself. Base this decision entirely on what you can identify with your eyes and the obscurity of the subject matter being pitched. For example: The secret racist history of the Peruvian Pan Flute, or what it’s like raising a transgendered animal house-mate. (Using the word ‘pet’ is so patronising).  It would help if their skin colour is a darker shade than yours. Because for progressives, authenticity is everything. If not, a white feminist should do the trick.

It is important we stick together to identify inauthentic arguments and people, because how would the citizens of the world know where they stand if not for the rational and compassionate left? Or you could take up stand-up comedy. Especially if you’re a woman. Colonising male spaces is really important. But makes sure to check your privilege by constantly awkwardly acknowledging your whiteness. After all, you can’t control being born this way but you can make sure everyone around you knows the burden you carry being white in 2017.

And for those of you in the middle, what with your need for verifiable facts and inclusivity: Why not go study science or something? I mean, not here, obviously. There are no jobs here for that. Or in England. Or Australia. Canada might be the trick. What with their universal healthcare and open-borders policy.

Fucking socialists.